


The Redemption of Severus Snape

by MelanieQuinlan



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adult Content, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Rape Recovery, Severus Snape Lives
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:48:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29958438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelanieQuinlan/pseuds/MelanieQuinlan
Summary: Severus Snape has survived the Battle of Hogwarts. Eventually, he returns there to teach but neither he nor Hogwarts are the same as before. While Severus is struggling with his own demons, a student is attacked and a group called Pureblood Pride threatens halfbloods and muggleborns.A dark curse is used, threatening the life of not just one but two people and Severus is frantically trying to find an antidote. Plus, there is a new teacher who is hellbend on being friends with him. Can Severus put the past and the memories of Lily to rest and move on?
Relationships: Severus Snape/Original Character(s)





	1. Going back

Spinner's End looked dismal and inhospitable. True, the street had undergone tremendous change since he had lived there as a child - the factories had all gone, and the derelict semi-detached houses had been replaced with counsel flats - but his vision of it would forever be coloured by his unpleasant memories of growing up in this crammed, dirty, and poor neighbourhood.  
Plus, the weather was unusually bad, even for an English summer. Rain fell in great curtains of big, heavy drops; the wind was fierce and cold, and the sky was an angry shade of grey. The clouds hung so low, they seemed to graze the chimneys.  
A study in black and grey: that's what Spinner's End was. What it always had been.  
Severus Snape shivered in the early morning chill and locked the door to the only place he'd ever called home with a quick flick of his wand. He went through the checklist in his mind one last time: All his belongings had been packed and shrunk, so they fitted into three large trunks. The house was up for sale and the legal matters had been taken care of. He had enough money on him to last him a month - concealed from spying eyes by a complicated charm that had taken him two days to master. His robes were in order, his wand was in his hand. He was ready to go. To leave Spinner's End for good.  
Maybe Dr Merriweather had been right; maybe it was a good idea to leave it all behind. To move on.  
Severus snorted. Who would've thought he'd ever come to regard the opinion of a mental health counsellor? It was absurd. But in a way that was only fitting. So much in his life had been absurd.  
He cast a glance up and down the street. There was no-one about. Maybe it was because of the dreadful weather or because of the time of day - it was just before dawn - or maybe because the few people who still lived there, were either old or disillusioned with life and had no reason to get up that early in the morning.  
Snape stepped into the pouring rain. For a split second, he felt the cold drops on his skin, drenching his ropes before he apparated and disappeared.  
He arrived at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. It was strange being back at the place that once had been so familiar. The centaurs must have gathered in pretty much the same spot as they paid Dumbledore their last respect. Severus imagined the shower of arrows, the odd sound they made.  
He squared his shoulders and followed the now pretty much indistinguishable path that led from the forest's edge past Hagrid's Hut to the courtyard and beyond.  
The ground was muddy, making the path treacherous to tread. Even though the weather was worse than it had been in Spinner's End, he felt his spirits lift a little. Even the ominous storm clouds seemed a lighter shade of grey. As the path led him out of a hollow, the great lake came into view. Severus stopped and simply took in the view. He had forgotten how breathtakingly beautiful it was. Or maybe he had never really noticed it before. Such open space. Only water and sky for what seemed like an endless stretch of miles. One could almost believe that nothing had changed since the last time he had been here. His stomach clenched and he felt a lump in his throat. The last time he'd been here had been during The Battle of Hogwarts, when Voldemort had sent Nagini to kill him. He willed the images from his mind, but a shadow of his former pain remained. He turned abruptly and marched on.  
He followed the winding path along the lake shore with a strange feeling of apprehension and guilt in his heart. The reason he had come here was impossible to miss in all its harsh splendour. Even on a stormy day Dumbledore's grave was gleaming white, almost incandescent. Severus stopped on his path and just starred at it, a legion of thoughts running riot in his usually so disciplined mind.  
"Why did you make me do it, Albus?" He whispered as he stepped closer and placed a hand on the white marble. So smooth, yet so cold. "Even if you forgave me for all my mistakes, I will never forgive myself. By rights, it should be me dead and you alive. The world would be a better place for it!"  
He stood there for a long time; head bowed. The rain kept falling and the wind sang the lament Severus could not articulate. He had hoped coming here would trigger some response, would make him feel something beside the sense of guilt and anger, but if there was something it was a crushing sense of loneliness.  
When Severus finally turned to walk towards the castle, he was drenched as the protective spell had worn off. He was cold, his fingers numb but it didn't matter as he carried a chill that went far deeper than skin and bone with him everywhere.  
So much had changed on the grounds. Hagrid’s Hut had been rebuilt after it had burned down during the final battle. The Astronomy Tower still bore the scars of too many dark spells and hexes. Some of Mrs Sprout's greenhouses were still derelict and overgrown but the gardens looked lush and well-tended. It was difficult to comprehend, all the damage, all the change. It was not the Hogwarts he had known but then he was not the man Hogwarts had known either.  
The rain eased up as he climbed the stairs leading to the main gate. Names had been carved into the stones of the façade around it. As he read them, Severus realized that these were the names of the witches and wizards who had died defending Hogwarts, students, staff, and members of the Order of the Phoenix. Some had died so young, some left behind a grieving family. In moments like this the price they had all paid for the victory and Voldemort's ultimate defeat seemed impossibility high.  
The doors opened with much screeching at his command and Severus stepped inside. Immediately he was greeted by a rush of warmth and light. As it was the last days of the summer holidays, it was blissfully silent, with only some footstep echoing here and there, a cat meowing and the clattering of dishes from the kitchens below.  
Severus cast a drying spell and got his robes in order, then he squared his shoulders and made his way to what he still thought of as Dumbledore's office. The stone griffin that guarded the final bend of the winding staircase barked at him: "Password!"  
Severus promptly replied: "Tartan sky," reminding him that it was not Albus he was here to see but Minerva McGonagall.  
It irked him that he was nervous as he knocked on the Headmistress' office door. How many times had he stood here, waiting for Albus to let him in? Either to deliver the latest information gained during his secret missions, to discuss school matters or, more often than not. that damn Potter boy. Lemon drops, herbal tea, Fawkes, a hummed tune, and those sparkling eyes. That's what this office had meant to him.  
"Come in, come in," Minerva's voice called and the door swung open. The room it revealed was hardly recognizable, even though its layout hadn't changed. The first thing Severus noticed was that the room was less cluttered and that there were Tartan patterns everywhere. He walked in and up to the same old writing desk. It was only fitting that it now contained far less clutter. Everything looked as prim and proper as McGonagall herself, still it was a welcoming room. Cosy in a simplistic kind of way.  
"Severus, how good to see you," Minerva exclaimed as she rose to greet him.  
Severus stopped an arm's length from the desk, unsure how to proceed. He opted for strictly formal, inclined his head slightly and said: "Headmistress."  
Minerva snorted and shot him an amused look over her glasses. "My first name will do nicely as long as no pupils are around, Severus. Please, sit down."  
"As you wish, Minerva." He sat down. "Did you give my request some thought?"  
Minerva regarded him, not bothering to hide her curiosity. "I have indeed. A great deal of thought in fact. Mind you, I must admit your letter and your request took me by surprise. Not even Sybil could have foreseen this."  
Severus snickered. "Oh, the irony! But I take it you did not ask me here to exchange jokes."  
Minerva pursed her lips. "No. No, of course not. I wanted to discuss your proposal. When you asked if you could come back to teach, did you have Defence Against the Dark Arts in mind?"  
Severus sat up straighter. Defence Against the Dark Arts. The job he'd always been after. The one that had been jinxed by Voldemort after Quirrell had been found out. A succession of doomed occupants. A narcissistic useless celebrity. A werewolf and the worst employee of the Ministry of Magic he had ever known. Gilderoy Lockhart. Remus Lupin and Dolores Umbridge.  
"No, Minerva, I didn't. I got the job once and it didn't quite turn out as planned," he said, unable to keep all of the bitterness out of his voice.  
Minerva looked like she wanted to protest, but then thought better of it and simply nodded. "Potions then?"  
"Obviously."  
Minerva arched an eyebrow. "While I would be glad to have you back as Potions Teacher, please explain to me why you want to come back. I thought you hated working with children."  
Taken aback, Severus paused. He laced his fingers together, forming a pyramid shape.  
"It's the only thing I've ever known," he said. "And besides, people out there do not trust me. 'Once a Deatheater, always a Deatheater,' and all that nonsense."  
Minerva nodded. "Yes, I had feared as much," she admitted. "Voldemort may be gone for good but there's still a lot of work to be done. A lot of evil to be rooted out. And of course, the Ministry and the press are pretending we can just go back to normal!"  
"The idiocy of the population at large and those in power specifically does no longer surprise me, Minerva."  
"You're right, Severus. It does not surprise me as much as it infuriates me! Stupidity is the real enemy, not Muggles or Muggle-Borns!"  
Severus merely inclined his head. He was weary of that debate.  
Minerva regarded him for a moment, then leaned back in her chair. "But back to the reason why you're here, Severus."  
He inhaled deeply, focusing his mind. "Hogwarts has been more of a home to me that Spinner's End ever was. Here I have a purpose, even if it's just teaching those little imbeciles the subtle art of portion making. I can be useful."  
Minerva arched an eyebrow but did not comment. She thought for a moment.  
"You are very welcome to come back as Potion’s teacher, Severus. But only if you are willing to also serve as Slytherin Head of House. To be frank with you, we have a real shortage of Slytherin teachers and Horace is not quite up to the task anymore. He's..." McGonagall hesitated for a moment. "He's not quite the jolly self he used to be, and his authority has suffered with his confidence."  
Severus tried his best to keep his face neutral. He could very well imagine what had shaken Slughorn so badly. Revealing the crucial information about Horcruxes to Tom Riddle had not been his worst memory for nothing.  
"I'm not averse to being Head of House again but I need to be able to teach less hours than I used to. I need some extra time to make certain arrangements."  
Minerva frowned. "What kind of arrangements?"  
Severus bit his tongue and swallowed down a sarcastic remark. "Medical treatments, Minerva. Nagini's poison left me with a whole lot of complications." He closed his eyes briefly. "Therapy sessions, too. I have to go see my Mental Health Support wizard once a week. And the trip to St. Mungo's takes time."  
If Minerva was surprised by his admissions, she didn't show it. It reminded him that he had always liked her no-nonsense attitude.  
"Would it help, if I found someone who could teach the first and second years?"  
Severus nodded. "Yes, that would be immensely helpful indeed."  
“If I’m not mistaken, Horace will be more than happy to stay on for that. He may say he wants to retire for good, but he does love to feel important. Let me talk to him and we should be good to go on 1st of September!" She smiled. "Your old quarters were severely damaged during the battle, so I took the liberty of having new ones prepared for you. Also, in the dungeons, but closer to the kitchens. I think the set of rooms you'll occupy were rumoured to have been Merlin's chambers during his brief stay as Professor."  
Severus stared at McGonagall. "So, you made your mind up about taking me on, before you asked me here?"  
Minerva didn't flinch from his stare. She even smiled. "Let's just say, I like to be prepared, Severus. Welcome back!"

\-----

Severus’ steps echoed through the empty corridors in the dungeons. Apart from him, nobody was down there. The few Slytherin students who had come back the previous year had all gone home for the summer holidays and neither Slughorn nor Professor Sinistra had stayed behind either.  
The whole castle seemed abandoned with only McGonagall, Filtch and Hagrid around but the dungeons were truly deserted as he walked along those familiar corridors where memories lingered at every turn.  
It was chilly and Severus shivered as he placed the palm of his left hand flat on the door of his new quarters, mumbling a spell that would key it to respond to his voice and touch alone. The spot where his hand rested grew warm and a shower of tiny emerald sparks indicated the success of the spell. The door swung open, and Severus stepped inside. Despite of having spent more than half his life at Hogwarts, he had never been inside that set of rooms. Truth be told, he had not even known that the fabled quarters of Merlin really existed.  
The house elves had brought down everything Minerva thought he would need to settle in: a pile of towels in assorted sizes, a bathrobe and even a pair of slippers, all of course in his house colours of green and silver. The bottle of fire whiskey that sat on a table close to the fireplace in the main room was a fine one. Providing it was a gesture he appreciated. He emptied out his pockets and placed his shrunken trunks on the floor, but curiosity won out and he decided to explore his new home before unpacking.  
It was a truly grand set of rooms, much more spacious and less draughty than his old ones. With its finely chiselled stone walls, the polished panelling of dark wood, the thick carpets and drapes and curtains of heavy velvet they looked like Merlin could’ve lived here all those centuries ago.  
The bedroom was a spacious, round room with a skylight in the ceiling that opened to the depths of the Dark Lake and filled the room with an otherworldly greenish glow. The bed was an enormous four-poster affair complete with curtains. An ornate wardrobe stood against the wall at the foot end of the bed. Fireplace to the left, an armchair and a little table close by.  
A door led to the bathroom in which a claw-footed bathtub of gleaming copper took up most of the space. The walls were tiled in blue-and-green mosaics, depicting underwater scenes, which seemed to merge with the lake beyond.  
The living-room was the centre point with its lush sofas and armchairs, endless bookshelves and two fireplaces. Severus also found a private study where the writing desk faced a window looking out into the lake. What pleased him most were the private lab that came fully equipped and the adjacent storeroom, which was short on the rarer ingredients he liked to use but otherwise would do nicely.  
He was almost pleased with himself as he walked back to his trunks and began the annoying task of unpacking. When he was done, he snapped his fingers, muttering the word “Elf.” With a loud pop one of the tiny creatures appeared in front of him. It was Kreacher who had served the Black Family before ending up at Hogwarts. Dressed in a neat uniform made from a tea-towel with the Hogwarts crest, Kreacher looked quite different to the grumpy, tattered, mean-spirited house elf Severus had known in his youth.  
“Master Snape,” the elf bowed, his ears touching the stone floor.  
“Kreacher,” Severus acknowledged. “Have you been assigned to me or does it depend on who is on duty which of you will answer my summons?”  
“Most teachers bring their own elves, “Kreacher answered. “Some were trained by their Masters, if special knowledge is required. Most Hogwarts elves work in the kitchens or do other housekeeping tasks. A few are limited to the basic chores as they cannot be trusted with anything else, Sir!”  
“Oh? Why is that?”  
“Kreacher hates to speak ill of his fellow elves, Master Snape but Winky drinks too much butterbeer and ends up making a mess, so we keep her in the pantry most of the time.”  
“I see,” Severus nodded. “What about the others?”  
Kreacher wrung his hands. “They are loyal to wizards who supported Voldemort and would to harm, trying to free their Masters from Azkaban!”  
“You have been helpful, Kreacher. Thank you!”  
The elf stared at Severus in obvious bewilderment. “Can Kreacher do anything else for Master Snape?”  
"In fact, there is, yes. If I recall correctly you have acquired a good knowledge of potion making, having assisted Regulus when he was at school. I will require your assistance this term. You will be responsible for the upkeep of my rooms, office, and Potion classroom. You may enlist help of other elves when needed. Should I need anything during the night, another elf can attend, unless I specifically ask for you. Understood?"  
Kreacher stood alert, his eyes even wider than usual. If it were not for his wrinkled face and general miserable demeanour, one could even say he was beaming. "Yes, Master Snape! Kreacher understands perfectly!"  
"Good! That's all for now, off you go."  
Before he had even finished speaking, the elf had disappeared.  
Severus shook his head. Seeing Kreacher had caught him off-guard. The Black family... He shuddered. So many memories. Regulus, whom he'd been fond of. His annoying little brother Sirius, who had the nerve to get sorted into Gryffindor and who had made his school life hell with Potter and his pathetic group of friends. And of course, Bellatrix. Beautiful, deranged Bellatrix. Devoted to the Dark Lord to the end. Severus snorted. Dark Lord! If one thought about it, Tom Riddle had been nothing but a half-blood imposter with delusions of grandeur and psychopathic tendencies! Good riddance indeed!  
"Come now, Severus, " he told himself. "No time to dwell on the past, you have lessons to prepare!”


	2. New collegues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New teachers and familiar faces begin to arrive back at Hogwarts.

Severus cast a critical glance at his refection in the man-sized mirror he had conjured. His robes were spick and span, pressed to perfection. Shoes polished and gleaming. Would anybody notice any difference? The lack of tiny bottoms maybe, that had lined his favourite robes in the past? The slightly wider cut of his garments or the fact that his pristine white shirts had been replaced by turtle-neck sweaters? He doubted it. People did not pay attention and usually just saw what they wanted to see. He flicked his wand and the mirror disappeared. He held out his hand. It was shaking ever so slightly but the longer he stared at it, the more pronounced the tremor became. He felt the all too familiar anger rise inside of him. "Not now," he sighed.   
He closed his eyes and forced himself to take deep, regular breaths. In and out. In and out. He focused solely on that rhythm and gradually his pulse slowed, and the panic subsided. "I have no time for this, " he grumbled, squared his shoulders, and left for the great hall to join the other teachers for breakfast.   
He walked through hidden corridors. Pathways and staircases, he had discovered during his first year as a teacher back at Hogwarts. Back when he had still been a loyal Deatheater and devoted servant of the Dark Lord. He snorted. Would he ever stop feeling guilty? Would he ever stop hating himself for what he had done, the kind of person he'd become? No time to dwell on such gloomy thoughts as he pushed open a door and entered the Great Hall just behind the set of tables reserved for the teachers and staff.   
This morning the ceiling was just a ceiling of old stone, mortar, dust, and spider webs. The candles stayed in their chandeliers but at least their light dispelled some of the gloom of a late summer in the Scottish Highlands.   
"Morning," he said as he made his way to his usual seat but before he had even come close to it, Hagrid had risen to his feet, sending his chair and his teacup to the floor in the process.   
"Professor Snape, Sir, it's good t’’ have ya back. Wha’ I mean t’ say is, you're a hero!" He strode forward, holding out his hand for Severus to shake but then thought better of it and drew the stunned potions master into a fierce hug.   
"We're all grateful for wha’ ya did, the sacrifices and all."  
Severus couldn't breathe, his face was pressed against Hagrid's hairy coat and the half giant’s friendly pads on the back felt more like hits with a particularly heavy club. He heard Flitwick's laughter and McGonagall's gasp.   
"Hagrid, you imbecile! Let go of me or I'll hex you and your damn moleskin coat into the next millennium!"  
"Oh! Sorry, Sir. Of course, professor, of course!"  
Severus staggered as he was released. Flitwick grinned at him. "I see you are still being your old cheerful self. Welcome back, Severus!"  
Severus nodded his thanks and sat down.   
"Are you alright?" McGonagall asked. "You look pale even by your standards."  
"Fine," Severus snapped. "Just get me some strong coffee!"  
Flitwick sent a pot his way, which immediately poured him a cup of hot, black coffee. He inhaled the aroma. "Breathe, Severus, just breathe, " a voice in his head intoned. The day would be a challenge and classes had not even begun.   
Hagrid excused himself soon after and Flitwick followed a few moments later, leaving McGonagall and Severus behind.   
"How are you settling in?" Minerva asked after a sip of her customary Lady Grey tea.   
"Really, Minerva, there's no need to fuss. I'm quite capable of taking care of myself," he replied.   
McGonagall looked taken aback. "You may be capable of doing that, Severus but not likely to actually do it."  
Severus forgot about the scrambled eggs on his plate and just stared at the woman.   
Minerva had the kindness not to roll her eyes. "Have it your way, Severus but know that you are always welcome here. Not just as a teacher, or a war hero but as a friend."  
Before he could answer, she rose from her chair. "I better get going, there are always so many last-minute things to take care of. Oh, and can you do me a favour?"  
"Of course."  
Minerva smiled. "Good! Be so kind and meet our new Runes and Astrology teacher at the station later. She'll arrive at 14.15 from Paris. I promised to send Hagrid, but I need him here to take care of the Giant Squid. Apparently, he's ill and needs his medicine every hour. Don't ask, Severus. It involves too much fish to contemplate before lunch."   
"I am not even tempted," he replied. "What's her name?"  
"Erladottir. She is from Iceland, went to school at Durmstrang, studied in America and only recently came back to Europe. She sounds like a bright young thing. Be kind to her, Severus."

\----- 

Severus arrived at the Hogmeads station ten minutes early. After lunch, the rain had stopped, the sky had cleared, and the sun had come out. Finally, it had felt like summer. He had enjoyed the long walk across the school grounds, along the lake, past the Forbidden Forest, the fields and orchards that finally turned into Hogmeads. Besides, he needed the exercise.   
When he walked up the stairs to the platform, he was a little out of breath. It annoyed him but what could he do? Nagini's attack had taken its toll on his health in more ways than one.   
He walked the length of the platform to pass the time. How bizarre life was. He'd never thought he would be back at Hogwarts after the war. Merlin's Beard, he'd been certain he would not live to see the day of Voldemort's defeat. Yet, there he was. At Hogwarts, teaching Potions again. The same as before. Only that nothing was the same as before. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. No, nothing was the same. How could it with so many dead? On all sides. Voldemort may have deserved it but even his loyal Deatheaters had left grieving family members or friends behind. Children who would grow up without mother or father or both. But why was he surprised? Life was never fair, was it?  
The huffing and puffing of a train yanked him out of his musings and he stood to attention. The train approached swiftly, black smoke billowing behind it. It came to a halt, the brakes screeching loudly. The din grated on Severus nerves, but he stood his grounds and waited. After a minute or two, the doors swung open. Only a few people got out, mostly wizarding folk from Hogmeads and the neighbouring villages. He recognised Aberforth Dumbledore and inclined his head in greeting as the tall man walked past. But either he had not seen him, or he was ignoring Severus, at least he did not return the courtesy. Why that oversight irritated him so much, Severus could not even say. He watched the innkeeper walk down the stairs and out of sight and was startled when he heard footsteps approach from behind. He spun around. A woman about ten years his senior stood in front of him. She looked both amused and alarmed by his reaction.   
"Excuse me, are you Mister Hagrid?"  
Her English was very good, with a slight hint of a northern European accent, but nothing as blunt as that of Krum. Or Karkaroff.   
"No, I'm Professor Snape. Hagrid is indisposed, I'm afraid. The headmistress asked me to fetch you instead."  
She looked him up and down and blushed a little. "Yes! Yes, of course you are! I'm so sorry, I didn't recognize you right away, Mr Snape. The pictures in the foreign press did not do you justice. Pleased to meet you!"  
She held out her hand. Severus shook it automatically. Her touch was light but firm. Her hands warm.   
"Come along this way please, Mrs Erladottir." Severus indicated the stairs. "Do you have any luggage?"  
"Miss," she said with a smile. "It's Miss Erladottir. And no, I had the luggage sent ahead."  
"Apologies, Miss Erladottir. I noticed the ring on your hand and assumed..."  
"It's alright, it's an easy mistake to make." She smiled again. "But now you must tell me everything about that Hogwarts of yours, Mister Snape!"  
He inclined his head and led the way down the stairs. "Well, I could always recommend 'Hogwarts: A History' to you. A rather tedious volume that most teachers have not read."  
"Did you read it?" She looked up at him, her eyes bright with curiosity.   
"Actually, yes. As a pupil when I first came here," Severus admitted. "Everything about Hogwarts seemed tremendously interesting back then.'  
She regarded him, a thoughtful expression on her face. She nodded. "I see. Then I shall endeavour to read it, too."  
They had reached the carriage. The day after tomorrow a good dozen would be sent to collect the new First Years but for now it was just one, drawn by two Threstrals.  
"Oh, aren't they beautiful?" Miss Erladottir exclaimed. She went to pet the animals, to whisper into their ears and stroke their ears.   
Severus watched in fascination. Did he know anybody who would call a Threstral beautiful? The Lovegood girl, perhaps, but she was nearly as barmy as the magazine her father had published.   
Severus opened the door, waiting for the new teacher to join him. She caught him looking and giggled. "You must excuse me, I always wanted to see a real Threstral, in Iceland the climate is too rough for these beauties." She climbed into her seat and as soon as Severus had closed the door, the carriage began to move. "Very strong magic, " he heard her mutter. "Ancient, dark but not evil."  
"The ride will not take long, ten minutes at best," Severus explained. "A boat will be waiting for us on the lake shore. We'll reach the castle after a short crossing."  
"Are all students taken to Hogwarts like this?"  
"No, only the First Years. I believe that our last headmaster decided to do it this way sorely to impress. He had a real flair for the theatrical. When I attend the school, all pupils went by carriage."  
They fell silent. After a few minutes she asked: "Your last headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, what was he like?"  
Such an innocent little question but the pain it brought was sharp and blinding. He blinked and swallowed hard, not trusting his voice.   
Finally, he said: "A great man. A complicated one. Charming. Ruthless, if necessary. He always seemed to know what the right thing to do was."  
He was relieved to find that no further questions followed, especially the one everyone had been dying to ask him since he had first awoken in hospital nearly two years ago. 'What was it like killing Albus Dumbledore, the greatest wizard of our time?'  
He had never dignified the question with an answer, but the truth was that every time he heard it, a voice was screaming in his head: "What do you think it was like? Killing the man who saved me? The only person who ever trusted me? It was the hardest, most damning thing I ever had to do, and it ripped my soul to shreds!"  
Severus closed his eyes and willed a beginning headache away. The carriage slowed and then stopped. He was quick to open the door and to step outside. The blue sky and the cool wind made it all a little easier to bear. He helped Miss Erladottir out of the carriage and watched as she took in the sight that greeted them with delight and wonder. Her hair, which came down to her shoulders and had the oddest silvery blond colour, was alive with the sunlight dancing in it. Her lilac cloak billowed in the wind.   
"She's beautiful," the thought surprised him but before he could dwell on it, she had stepped into the boat.   
"Oh, this will be so much fun," she beamed. "Come on, Mister Snape. Join me so we can set sail!"  
Her enthusiasm made him smile despite of his misgivings about having to use that method of transport. He joined her in the boat, sitting down opposite her.   
"Call me Severus. We are all on familiar terms with the other teachers."  
"Severus," she repeated his name slowly, like she was trying to figure it out. "Nice name. There was a Roman Emperor of that name once if I'm not mistaken." She added: "I have a thing for Muggle history."  
She held out her hand again. "I'm Ljot."  
"Lj..." He began. 'I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that."  
She giggled. "Ljot. L-J-O-T. Ljot."  
"Ljot," he said, and she smiled and clapped her hands. "Perfect! You'll be reading the Edda in Icelandic in no time!"  
He ignored the tease, flicked his wand and shouted: "To Hogwarts," into the wind. They were lucky as the lake lay still before them. Dark blue water beneath and a bright blue sky above them complete with fluffy white clouds. It didn’t get much more picture postcard perfect than that. The late afternoon sunlight painted the clouds golden and glittered on the waves. Hogwarts looked as majestic, ancient, and inviting as ever.   
Ljot gasped. Her eyes widened and she grinned like a kid on Christmas Day. “Wow, this is just…” her voice trailed off.  
“Astonishing?” Severus offered with just a hint of sarcasm.   
His eleven-year-old-self had been equally impressed by the marvellous sight that Hogwarts was.   
“That over there is Gryffindor Tower. And that tall one at the other end is the Astronomy Tower, where you will be teaching. It’s quite a climb.”  
“Maybe I’ll cheat occasionally, take my broom and fly in through the window. That’ll save me a lot of time.” She grinned and he believed her being capable of doing just that. “Tell me, Severus, does Slytherin have a tower to itself as well?”  
“No, we dwell in the dungeons.”  
Ljot looked aghast and he hurried to add: “It’s not as ghastly as it sounds. The common room and the teacher’s quarters are quite cosy. We are underneath the Dark Lake, so it’s a bit like living in a giant aquarium. You can watch the fish swim by and occasionally you may even catch sight of the Merrows.”  
“In comparison Durmstrang really was quite bleak,” she said. “More function than comfort, I’d say.”  
“So, I heard,” Severus said, thinking of his talks with Karkaroff during the Triwizard Tournament. “Do you know what House you will belong to?”  
She shook her head. “No. I’ve given it a great deal of thought, but I can’t make up my mind. Help me, please. How did the Sorting Hat’s song go again?”  
“Don’t expect me to sing it to you,” he grumbled. “The relevant bit goes like that: 

You might belong in Gryffindor,  
Where dwell the brave at heart,  
Their daring, nerve, and chivalry  
Set Gryffindors apart;

You might belong in Hufflepuff,  
Where they are just and loyal,  
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true  
And unafraid of toil;

Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,  
if you've a ready mind,  
Where those of wit and learning,  
Will always find their kind;

Or perhaps in Slytherin  
You'll make your real friends,  
Those cunning folks use any means  
To achieve their ends.”

“It sounds better in English,” Ljot admitted. “The Icelandic translation I read didn’t capture the rhyme. But shouldn’t you have been in Gryffindor then? You were certainly very brave to do what you did during the war and before.”  
Severus snorted. “It was not brave. It was the only option left. The only way I could live my life to atone for the mistakes I made in my youth.”  
Ljot said nothing and kept watching him. Her grey eyes were kind, and she didn’t look away when he glared at her.   
“My guess is that you will be sorted tonight before Dinner. It won’t take long,” he said to change the subject.  
Ljot nodded. “Maybe. Which House should I be in, what do you think?”  
“I really cannot say. I hardly know you. From what Professor McGonagall said, I gather that you are a good study, so perhaps Ravenclaw.”  
“Those of wit and learning,” she quoted. “At Durmstrang I was also the head of the Duelling Club and I know a good deal of jinxes and hexes that are illegal in your country.”  
“Oh really? Well, Durmstrang has always had a reputation for leaning towards the Dark Arts.”  
“The Dark Arts,” she laughed softly. “Magic itself isn’t black or white, good or bad. It just is. It’s what you do with it that make the difference. You can work a lot of evil with what people call white magic and vice versa.”  
Severus regarded her for a moment. She was clearly very enthusiastic about the subject. Maybe the school year wouldn’t be as boring as he had feared.   
“I’m afraid we’ll have to continue this fascinating discussion at a later time, we have arrived!”  
Their boat had reached the opposite shore and came to a halt in the wet sand. They climbed out of the boat and stood for a moment, looking up at the castle.   
“Let me show you the way,” Severus led the way. When he had reached the winding staircase that had been carved into the rock Hogwarts had been built upon, he stopped briefly and turned around. “Welcome to Hogwarts.”

\-----

He would not have admitted it to anyone, but Severus had come down to the Great Hall early because he did not want to miss Ljot’s sorting. Minerva was already there, talking to Flitwick, who laughed at something she had said.   
“Good evening,” he greeted them before he joined them at the table.   
“Ah, Severus, good to see you,” Minerva regarded him over the rim of her glasses. “I take it you had a pleasant afternoon?”  
“Let me think. Well, the rain did stop. The boat did not drown, and the Giant Squid is still alive. I think that counts as a pleasant afternoon.”  
“Severus!” Minerva punched his arm but looked amused. Flitwick giggled as he poured himself a bit of cherry syrup mixed with water. When he wasn’t looking, Severus took out his want and conjured up a paper umbrella fixed to the side of the glass.   
“Oh! Where did this come from?” Flitwick looked pleased with the addition and Severus had a tough time not to give up his poker face. If Minerva had noticed, she didn’t comment.  
There were only ten minutes until dinner time officially began and by and by more people began to arrive. First were Madams Hooch, Sprout and Pomfrey. Hagrid was next, followed by two men in their mid-thirties, whom Severus had not met before. Minerva waved them over. “Severus meet Cassander Hawthorne, our Divination teacher and Mister Valentine Fernsby, the librarian. Gentlemen, I take it Professor Snape needs no introduction.”  
“Pleased to meet you,” the taller of the two men held out his hand for Severus to shake. “I hope we’ll get along fabulously! I mean, our houses have been teamed up in classes, so we’ll be working together quite a lot, I reckon. Hufflepuff and Slytherin, what a team, eh?”  
Severus shook the man’s hand and only nodded his greeting. The other man held out his hand as well. “A pleasure. If you ever need help locating a book, parchment, or manuscript, either in our library or elsewhere, please don’t hesitate to ask me.”   
“I will keep that in mind,” Severus answered. He looked them both over discreetly, an old habit he found to be very persistent. All of years as a spy had it ingrained in him to look for relevant information in any setting, anytime, anywhere. So, he did not miss Valentine’s rather flamboyant waistcoat, or Cassander’s peculiar eye colour.   
The two men excused themselves and said down together further down the table. “Now only Septima, Horace and Professor Byrdswistle are missing,” McGonagall said as she poured herself and Severus a glass of fine red wine.  
“I’m glad to hear they’ll be joining us, I was beginning to feel outnumbered in the presence of all you Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws!”  
“Only two of them are Slytherin, Severus,” Minerva explained. “Avalonia is a Ravenclaw, which, if you ask me, is quite fitting for a History of Magic teacher.”  
“Whatever happened to poor old Binns?”   
“Nobody knows!” Minerva looked like she took that fact personal. “After the Battle of Hogwarts, he had simply disappeared. No-one remembers seeing him after the last class he taught.”  
“Intriguing,” Severus mused. “Dare we hope he finally ascended into the light?”  
Minerva shot him a warning glance and he snickered. Slughorn came in, out of breath like he had run a mile. He waved in their general direction. “Severus, dear boy! How good to see you,” his booming voice rang through the hall. Severus cringed but thankfully Horace’ attention was diverted when he spotted Hawthorne and Fernsby. The three missing ladies arrived just as the clock chimed the hour.   
After everyone had settled down, McGonagall rose from her chair. She clapped her hands, and everyone fell silent. Severus thought he could feel a sense of expectation in the air.   
"My dears, I am very glad to welcome you all to Hogwarts tonight. Some of you, like me, have lived here half their lives, others are only coming back for their second or third year. Other yet, return after a prolonged break and there is also a brand-new member of the staff to introduce. But first let us welcome back Professor Snape, whom Harry Potter called 'the bravest man he ever knew'."  
The teachers broke into a round of applause. Severus cringed but when Minerva elbowed him in the ribs, he rose reluctantly. Strangely enough everyone seemed to be genuinely pleased to see him, and he detected no reservations or mistrust. Minerva looked like the proverbial cat who got the canary. A mental image, which given the fact that her Animagus form was a tabby cat, made him shudder. Hagrid beamed and looked ready to burst into tears. He caught Ljot watching him, and she smiled. He held up his hands in a silencing gesture and said:  
"Thank you for your kind words, headmistress. I assure you there is no need for applause. Unlike our unfortunate friend Mr. Lockhart, I have no autograph cards prepared."  
He inclined his head and sat back down. Around him people giggled and smirked. McGonagall tried to look stern but the sparkle in her eyes gave away her amusement.   
"Now to the newest member of our staff: Miss Erladottir. She will be teaching Astronomy and Ancient Runes this year. Not a Hogwarts student, she was born and raised in Iceland, went to school in Durmstrang, studied in America and is an acclaimed author on a variety of subjects."  
Ljot had risen as well. She was fidgeting with her want and blushed slightly. Again, her eyes found Severus' and he nodded his encouragement.   
Minerva walked around the table to a shelf and picked up the Sorting Hat. "Please, Miss Erladottir, step forward and sit down here." She pointed at a chair positioned some yards away from the table.   
Ljot joined her and sat down. McGonagall tabbed the Sorting Hat with her wand, and it became animated. "Aha, " it intoned. "Another sorting. About time, too. I was beginning to gather dust! What have we here?"  
McGonagall held the Hat over Ljot's head and then lowered it carefully. For a long moment nothing happened. The Hat's tip twisted this way and that, he crunched up his face but remained silent. "Seems we got ourselves a hatstall," Flitwick muttered.   
Two more minutes ticked by, then the Hat shouted: "Slytherin!"  
Slughorn grinned from ear to ear and clapped enthusiastically. The other teachers followed suit. Severus was too stunned to react right away. Slytherin? No, he would not have guessed that Ljot would be sorted into his House. He shook his head and clapped, too. McGonagall put the Hat away and led Miss Erladottir back to the table. "Severus and Horace will show you around the Dungeons and provide you with the necessary passwords. It is good to have new people in Slytherin. The House needs a new sense of identity, it suffered a lot of damage during the war."  
Severus had to agree. From all the Slytherins he knew, Slughorn might as well be the only one who had not been a Deatheater. Many Slytherin parents now refused to send their kids to Hogwarts, fearing they would be looked at as followers of the Dark Lord. Yes, Voldemort may be dead, but his shadow lingered.   
After dinner, Severus made sure to get to Ljot before Slughorn could. He had a feeling that the older man would try to collect their new colleague for his Slug Club. "Welcome to Slytherin," he said as he stepped next to her. Madame Hooch, to whom she had been talking looked surprised. "Pleasantries from you, Severus? Wonders never cease!"  
He merely arched and eyebrow. Ljot giggled. "Thank you, Severus. I guess, I will enjoy my stay here a lot!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I assumed that most teachers would arrive at Hogwarts a few days before the new term begins, so this is why they are all there before the students arrive.


	3. Potions, unwelcome questions and nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The students are back and Severus is teaching Potions again. Someone asks an unwelcome questions and Severus goes to see Madame Pomfrey.

Severus hesitated before he entered the classroom. How long was it since he had last taught Potions? 4 years? It felt more like a lifetime. The third year Ravenclaws and Gryffindors were surprisingly well-behaved as he entered. Only some half-whispered conversations were going on, but all were on their seats and nothing floated in the air.   
He marched up to his desk, turned around with a flourish and faced the class. Immediately silence fell, which pleased him. Maybe his reputation had preceded him. Every face was turned towards him, eyes eager. What were they thinking, he wondered? Had the older students, who had known him before the last battle, passed on their judgement on him? What he still the greasy git? The least favourite teacher, who stole unjustified points from Gryffindor? He resisted rolling his eyes. There had been a time when he truly had not cared one Mandrake about what any of these imbeciles before him thought of him.   
„Good morning,“ he finally broke the silence. „As you properly know, I am Professor Snape, your Potions Teacher this term. Professor Slughorn was keen to reduce his working hours and will know only teach the First and Second Years. I take it you all have your textbooks ready?“  
A multi-voiced „Yes, Sir,“ answered him. He pointed at a blond-haired Gryffindor. „Would you be so kind to tell us where you left of with Professor Slughorn last term, Mister...?“  
„Anderson, Sir.“ The boy rose to his feet. „We started with the different kinds of potions and methods of preparation, then we talked about the properties of potion ingredients and which types of ingredients will produce which effect. We replicated the recipes from the textbook up to chapter 28, which dealt with poisons and their antidotes.“  
Severus arched an eyebrow. Horace had been very thorough indeed. „Very good. Thank you, Mister Anderson, you may take your seat.“  
„Poisons and their antidotes,“ Severus continued. „A fascinating topic. One must be exceedingly careful in the preparation of poisons and of the antidotes as well. Often a drop or a grain too much of something will make the difference between remedy or poison. Let us start off easy: Which poisonous plants do you know? Points will be rewarded if you can also tell me the symptoms and the antidote.“  
Several hands rose into the air. Severus looked around and pointed at a young witch of colour, who sat in the last row of tables. „Yes, Miss...?“  
„Washington, Sir.“  
„Well, Miss Washington, enlighten us.“  
„The common Foxglove, Sir.“  
...  
"Before we finish, let me remind you that not all poisons are deadly. Some may only cause you slight discomfort, like nausea or headaches. Others cause more severe symptoms like a high fever, memory loss, fits and unconsciousness. The dose and the concentration often determine if a substance is beneficial or deadly. Any questions?"  
Not surprisingly several hands rose in the air. "Yes, Mister...?" Severus pointed at a skinny Gryffindor in the second row.   
"Templeton, Sir."  
"Alright Mr. Templeton, what is your question?"  
The boy cleared his throat. "My question is: Did you have any idea that Voldemort would use Nagini to try and kill you? And is there an antidote for her poison?"  
Severus blinked and almost dropped his wand. Voldemort...Nagini...Just the mention of the names made him feel uneasy. Merlin's Beard be damned, he could not afford to have a panic attack in front of his class, and on the first day no less!  
He ignored his trembling hands and banged his fists on the table. The Templeton boy and the rest of the class jumped slightly.   
"I say this only once, Mister Templeton. I will not answer any personal questions, be them related to Voldemort or anything else. Is that understood?"  
The boy had paled and nodded fiercely. "Yes, Sir!"  
"Good! Ten points from Gryffindor for your impertinence!"  
The Gryffindors cringed and the Ravenclaws looked sympathetic. "For your homework, compose an essay on the properties of Nightshade. Two feet of parchment, to be handed in by Thursday! Dismissed!"  
The bell rang just as he finished speaking. The pupils packed their bags and left the room. The door fell shut and Severus sank into the chair behind his desk. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. 

\-----

By the time the study period he had to supervise in the he Slytherin common room had ended, Severus Feld exhausted. He decided to go and see Madame Pomfrey in the Hospital Wing as he had some prescriptions to fill.   
He found her on the third floor, tending to a young Hufflepuff, who looked like her cauldron had exploded in her face. He couldn‘t help but grin. So at least Slughorn got his face share of idiots when it came to the fine art of Potion making.   
„Good afternoon,“ he greeted the midi-witch.  
„Ah, Severus. I‘ll be with you in no time. This will only take a minute. Why don‘t you wait in my office and pour us both a cup of tea?“  
Severus nodded. „I‘m not entirely averse to that.“ With that he turned on his heel and marched away.  
Madame Pomfrey‘s office hadn‘t changed. It was bright, airy, and spacious. A row of filing cabinets filled one wall, containing notes about the health of every student and staff member Hogwarts had seen since the mid-sixties. Severus wondered what information his file might contain. All the injuries he had suffered as a student, the broken bones resulting from Quidditch accidents or as a result of the marauders bullying. The burns, cuts, and minor poisonings from his Potion experiments. And later...How often had Poppy patched him up after one of his spying missions? Voldemort's trust had come at a high price. One that had been paid in blood and screams. Severus shuddered. So much pain, so much violence, anger, and hate...  
Poppy's desk faced one of the huge windows looking out over the grounds and Hagrid's Hut in the distance. Darkness was falling and the sky had that special indigo colour it reserved for the longer evenings of autumn. For a moment Severus felt strange, like past and present were colliding in that moment. The sound of Poppy's footsteps in the corridor outside, snapped him out of it. He blinked, irritated with himself. He turned sharply as the mediwitch entered.  
"What can I do for you, Severus? Sit down, please. Or are you in such a hurry?"  
"No. No, I...," his voice trailed off. "Thank you, Poppy."  
She tapped her wand, and a tea pot came zooming out of an adjacent room, followed by two cups. One landed in front of Severus, the other to Poppy's right. As the pot poured the tea, she asked. "Sugar?"  
"No, thank you."  
Poppy leaned back on her chair and regarded him with open curiosity. "So, tell me: What brings you here?"  
Severus refrained from rolling his eyes. "I take it my healer at St. Mungo's send you an owl? And Dr Merriweather as well?"  
"Yes, they did indeed. And I read them very carefully, Severus. I still think you should see someone with more experience in that field. I don't exactly do innovative work here, treating kids."  
"Nonsense," Severus shook his head vehemently. "I take it you are familiar with the prescribed medication?"  
"Of course, I am, but..."  
He cut her off. "You are more than qualified. Besides, who, if not you, knows all about my medical history?" He gave her a long look. "Poppy, you've seen it all. It was bad enough having to talk that blasted shrink through everything, I really don't want to do it all again with another healer I've never met before!"  
She closed her eyes briefly, then nodded. "Alright, I'll do it. But promise me to go and see your healer when you are experiencing side-effects."  
"I promise. And I know the drill: I have to come in everyday for the injection, you'll sign the paperwork for the Ministry of Health and give me my weekly check-up."  
"You make it sound like it's no big deal! It's Morpheus Elixir we're talking about!"  
"I'm fully aware of that, Poppy." Severus found her reluctance amusing. "But after years of repeated exposure to the Cruciatus Curse and Nagini's poison, you must excuse me, if I'm not overly concerned with side-effects."  
She stared at him, horrified. "l'll do everything I can. I guess, you'll want to come in late for your dose? You've always been such a night owl."  
"Would eleven be too late?"  
She wrinkled her nose. "Come in at a quarter to. Then you'll get the injection, and we'll have a good-night cup after I did my last round."  
He inclined his head in acceptance. "Agreed."  
They sipped their tea in silence for a moment, then Severus rose to his feet. "Then I better get some grading done before dinner. See you later."  
He stopped by the door: "Thank you for doing this for me. It… It means a lot and I appreciate your concern." He marched on, not waiting for Poppy's reply.

\-----

It was a quarter past elven when Severus finally made his way back to his quarters. He was glad he only had to decent the stairs down into the dungeons. He was not sure if he‘d managed to climb up into, say Ravenclaw Tower in his current condition. The medicine Poppy had injected him with was potent stuff, stronger even than he had anticipated. It wasn‘t called Morpheus‘ Elixir for nothing, apart from being one of the strongest painkillers known to Wizardkind, it made you drowsy almost immediately.   
It took all of Severus‘ willpower to keep his eyes open and to continue walking. Every step was an effort. He was so tired, so very tired. Later he did not recall how he had managed to get into his rooms and lock the door behind him. He went straight to bed, dropped his want where he stood and lay down on top of the covers fully dressed. Only for a second, he needed to rest for only a minute, he told himself, then he would get up and undress. But his eyelids were so heavy, and they closed as soon as his head had touched the pillow. He had the most peculiar feeling for sinking into the mattress. Of falling through it, deep into the earth where everything was dark and silent, and nobody could reach him. Or hear his screams. He was beyond caring and gave in to the bone-deep exhaustion he felt. For a while sleep was deep, a gentle flow of darkness but then the nightmares began.   
He was back in the room with Voldemort on the day of the Battle of Hogwarts. The Dark Lord made his speech about him having been a faithful servant but having to die nevertheless, so that Voldemort could be the true master of the Elderwand. It was almost laughable, the terror he had suddenly felt. Not that he had had any illusions about his role in this final game, he had known he would die for quite some time, but he had thought Bellatrix would execute him after she had exposed him as Dumbledore‘s man. But to die like that? Just another pawn scarified for Voldemort‘s quest of power.   
He saw Nagini advance, her fangs glistening in the light. So huge, so white. He felt the pain again as they sank into the flesh of his throat. Once, twice. Again, and again. Had he screamed? He never knew but he wanted to in his dreams. To shout out all the agony he had ever experienced. His vision swam and then he saw the Potter boy. No, it was his father, James bloody Potter and he was laughing. Laughing at him, as if his death were just another cruel joke he had to endure. A shadow loomed over him. Was it that of a black dog or that of a werewolf? Did it matter?   
„Help me,“ he wanted to say but he could not speak. Blood was filling his lungs, his mouth. It was choking him as he struggled to take yet another breath. His vision dimmed further. Everything around him was a formless grey mist. It was cold as it drifted over him, touching his skin. Then he heard the shrill voice of Lilly‘s sister. What had been her name again? Tulip? No, Petunia. Her voice grated on his nerves even in his dreams and he knew that if there was an afterlife, it would not hold peace for him.   
„There he is, that horrible boy,“ she screeched.   
„That horrible boy,“ those words echoed through the falling darkness, following him straight to hell. But oblivion never came. It had not done so then, and it did not now. Someone was shouting at him. He could not understand the words at first but as he drifted closer to consciousness, they began to make sense.   
„...must get up! Please, Master Snape, Sir! Or Kreacher has to punish himself for failing to wake you on time.“  
Reluctantly he opened his eyes. Even the dimmed green glow of the lake hurt his eyes. He winched and sat up. Ignoring a spell of nausea, he glared at the house elf, who stood gingerly by the foot of the bed.   
„I‘m awake now, you brainless idiot. Leave before I hex you for getting on my nerves.“  
Kreacher knew better than to argue and disappeared with a soft popping sound. Severus sank back into the pillows. He felt groggy and on edge. Granted, the left side of his body where Nagini‘s poison had done most of its damage, didn‘t hurt, which was something but was feeling numb and raw at the same time so much better? He hoped his body would get used to the elixir in time. He would just have to do what he‘s always done: go on and pretend that nothing was amiss.   
He forced himself to get up and stood for a moment, taking deep, regular breaths until the sensation of vertigo subsided. He wrinkled his nose in disgust. His clothes were rumbled, his shirt soaked through with cold sweat. He found his wand on the floor and removed his garments with a spell, then trotted to the bathroom. A hot shower revived him somewhat and when he was dressed again, he even felt halfway human, which was as good as things got these days. He sighed. Another day at Hogwarts. Double Potions straight after breakfast with the seven-year Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs, followed by the fourth year Ravenclaw and Slytherin. Then... he could not recall right now. More dimwits who did not know their lacewings from their dragonflies. A pure delight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Morpheus' Elixir is the magical version of Morphine, so it is strong, addictive stuff and shows in how much pain Severus is to get that perscribed.


	4. An unusual request

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A student asks Severus of help. He is reluctant to give it as it involves Legimency and investigates what's going on.

After his tenth day on the Morpheus‘ Elixir, Kreacher did not have to shout at Severus any more to wake him. The sound of him popping into his room next to the bed was enough again. The nightmares continued though and left him feeling worn out and on edge. Needless to say, his colleagues and students thought his mood was as foul as always but what did they know?   
He got through his morning lessons without incident. At least the six-years didn‘t get their cauldrons to melt or explode any more. Before lunch, he had a free period, which he spent in his office, grading papers. His students could also come in and ask questions or raise concerns, which he could deal with as Head of Slytherin. So, when a knock on the door came, he thought it would be one of his little snakes, demanding that they get the Quidditch pitch before Gryffindor or other such trivialities.   
"Come," he called out and continued working. He heard the door open and close, then reluctant steps moving closer. When nothing happened, he looked up. A rather tall, athletic looking Ravenclaw girl stood a few feet away, biting her lip. She looked agitated, so Severus swallowed back the cutting remark on the tip of his tongue.   
"How can I help you, Miss...?"  
"Wystan, Sir. I'm in year seven now."  
The name sounded familiar. "Wystan...," Severus muttered. "Ceridwen Wystan? I taught you in third year Defence against the Dark Arts last, didn't I?"  
The girl nodded. "You did, Sir." She held his gaze without flinching.  
"Well, Miss Wystan, what is it? As you can see, I have work to do."   
Ceridwen paled. She looked ready to burst into tears. Surprised, Severus dropped his quill. A quick flick with his wand moved a chair closer to the girl. "Sit, Miss Wystan and tell me why you came here."   
She did as she was told, took a few deep breaths to calm herself and said: "I came here because I heard someone say that you are a Legimens and I..." Again, she gulped for air. "I wanted to ask you to help retentive a memory."   
"A memory?" Severus frowned. "Why would I do this? I am neither a mediwizard, nor a Mental Health Counsellor."   
She looked stricken. "I know, Sir. It's just... I'm desperate and I thought...I thought you'd understand. After everything you've been through."   
"Everything I...? I beg your pardon?"   
The girl bit her lip again. "I just meant... Oh, never mind. It was a stupid idea to come here." She got up and practically ran from the room.   
Severus stared after her, irritated and - dare he admit it? - concerned. He tried to collect his thoughts. Ceridwen Wystan... The third year he had known, had been bright, curious, and self-confident. One of the few female beaters in a Hogwarts Quidditch team, she had loved riddles and everything to with maps and always had a quote for everything. Not the most popular, but with a solid circle of friends. Severus frowned. She had always seemed quite grounded and practical. So, what had happened to turn her into a nervous mess, who didn't talk much sense? Any why on earth did she think he of all people would understand? It was obvious that he lacked crucial information to find an answer, so he rose to his feet and left his office. 

\-----

By the time he had reached the 2nd floor where Flitwick was teaching Charms, the lesson had almost ended. Next up was the lunch break, so Severus did not have to worry about missing his own classes. He walked the length of the corridor, nodded at Sir Nicholas as he floated past and turned, waiting for the bell to ring. It did a few seconds later. Without too much delay, the door of the Charms classroom flew open, and a bunch of excited First Years poured out. Some still had their feathers clutched in their hands, others were still trying to get the wand movement of Wingardium Leviosa right.  
Severus waited a moment longer, until the last strangler had hurried after his classmates. He knocked on the door, to let Flitwick know he was there and entered the room.   
Filius had climbed down from the pile of books he usually stood on when teaching and was busy clearing up the mess the pupils had made. Burned feathers and the like vanished after a few precise flicks of his wand. When he was done, he turned and craned his neck to look at Severus.  
"What can I do for you?"  
"I wondered if I could have a word with you about one of your students?" He came straight to the point.   
Filius sighed. "I feared you'd say that. But yes, of course. Pull up a chair." He flicked his wand again and the door closed. Severus grabbed a chair and positioned it in front of Flitwick's desk. He knew that Filius disliked being looked down by people during a conversation and he couldn't blame him. When the Charms teacher had sat down on top of his pile of books, he asked:  
"Who is it you've come to talk to me about, Severus? Not James McIntyre from year 5? Since his father died, he turned into a bit of a troublemaker, I'm afraid."  
Severus shook his head. "No, not him. Though I gave him detention the other day for dropping Fizzing Fizzbees in his classmates’ cauldrons when they were superposed to make a simple mandrake infusion! You wouldn't believe the mess they made when they went off!"  
Ignoring Filius' chuckle, he went know. "No, it's about Ceridwen Wystan." He told his colleague all about the incident and concluded: "Do you have any idea why she thought a Legimens could help her?"  
Filius sat there, blinking furiously but said nothing. He looked troubled. Severus frowned. This was getting stranger by the minute!  
"I guess it's alright if I tell you, Severus," Flitwick finally said. All the staff save Filtch know." He took a deep breath. "About three weeks before the Summer Holidays Miss Wystan was discovered lying unconscious at the foot of the Astronomy Tower. Her broom lay broken next to her, but closer investigation that the damage on the broom had been caused by several Reducto spells. Poppy said the girl had bruises and cuts all over her face, arms, and torso but no broken bones. Her blouse had been ripped and..." Filius stopped, visibly shaken by his recollections.   
Severus felt an odd shiver run down his back. "Are you saying that she had been attacked, beaten and...been taken advantage off?"  
Even after everything he had witnessed in his so-called service of the Dark Lord, Severus couldn't quite believe he was asking this question. This was Hogwarts!   
Filius nodded. "Yes. Yes, I'm afraid I am. And what's worst, we never found out who did that to her. Poppy thinks they wiped her memory after the attack."  
"They?"  
Flitwick nodded gravely. "The only thing Miss Wystan was able to recall was that she had stayed behind after their midnight Astronomy lessons and that she had seen a group of three or four flying towards her from the Quidditch pitch."  
"Students?"  
"Most likely. There were no unusual sightings in Hogmeads or anywhere near here which would suggest otherwise. No defences were breached."  
"And the male teachers?"  
Filius looked offended and Severus quickly added: "Look, I hate to ask this question. I'm just trying to get a complete picture."  
Flitwick rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed. "You're right. Well, Horace had tickets for some Quidditch match and wasn't back until after she'd been found. Hagrid had a late-night run in with Frienze and some other centaur when he was looking for an injured griffin that had supposedly been seen in the Forbidden Forest. Hawthorne and Fernsby were in their cottage in Hogmeads but were seen around midnight by Aberforth walking their dog. And I was asleep. Alone."  
"Thank you, Filius. I didn't for a moment think it could have been either you, Slughorn or Hagrid. But I had to ask about the others. I didn't have time to get to know them yet."  
"No offence taken." Filius smiles weakly. "Shall I talk to Miss Wystan about her request to you?"  
Severus shook his head. "No, that won't be necessary. I will talk to her again. If I learn anything new, I will of course inform you."

\-----

Severus waited till after dinner before he went to speak with Miss Wystan again. He had watched her during the meal and like before she had seemed nervous and preoccupied. He wondered what questions und unpleasant images were flashing around her mind. Nothing he would wish on anyone, .if being young had ever offered any protection from what a vile place the world could be!  
He waited until most of her classmates had left and then marched up to her and, standing behind her, said in a low voice: „My office in ten minutes, if you please, Miss Wystan.“  
She jumped and looked up at him, a look of panic on her pale face.  
„You needn‘t worry, you have not landed yourself in detention. I simple wish to continue our talk from earlier.“  
She composed herself and nodded. „Yes, Sir!“  
He marched away without a reply.  
The knock on his door came precisely ten minutes later, which made him smile slightly.   
„Come.“  
Ceridwen was still pale as she entered but she seemed more collected than before. „Sir?“  
„Please, sit down, Miss Wystan. Would you like a cup of tea?“ Severus poured himself one and waited while the girl settled down.   
„Yes, please.“  
Severus poured another cup. „I strongly advise you to take sugar with it. It‘s a Valerian blend and I‘m afraid it‘s rather bitter.“   
Despite adding a spoonful of sugar to her cut, Ceridwen pulled a face when she sipped her tea.  
Severus couldn‘t help a grin. „Yes, I‘m afraid it‘s a bit of an acquired taste. But let us go back to our earlier talk. And this time, please start at the beginning, Miss Wystan and tell me why you think a Legimens could help you.“  
She bit her lip and looked away, then took a deep breath and sat up straight. „Do... do you know what happened to me last term?“  
„Yes, I do,“ Severus admitted. „Your Head of House filled me in.“  
She swallowed hard but continued: „Then you know that I can‘t remember anything about the actual attack! I remember seeing the silhouettes of at least three people flying towards me, then nothing. I know what they did. I knew from the start, even before Madame Pomfrey told me. I don‘t know how, I just knew something horrible had happened and that it would change me. But I don‘t know who did it and it‘s driving me crazy! I can‘t stop thinking that these..., these bastards could sit next to me in the common room and I wouldn‘t know!“  
Her rage faded and she blinked furiously to stop her tears. „I...I also think there is something else. Something even more horrible. I have no idea what it could be, but I just can‘t shake the feeling. It‘s like... like walking around with the Grim following me everywhere!“  
Severus listened with an impassive expression, his black eyes watching her carefully.  
"I understand your frustration at being unable to remember, but sometimes the mind chooses to ignore certain memories to protect itself," he said carefully.  
"I know that," she said, sounding impatient. "It's more than that. Don't you understand? They took something from me, my memories and i want them back. And I can't shake the feeling that something is happening to me and i neither know what it is, nor am i able to stop it!"  
Severus regarded her in silence for a long moment. Thoughts flashed through his mind. Memories chased by the images Ceridwen's words had conjured up in his mind. He knew what abuse felt like, knew how vulnerable and exposed it made you feel. He understood the need to find some sort of closure, the need to make sure that those who had inflicted such pain did not win.  
He exhaled loudly. "Why me? Why are you asking me for help?"  
Ceridwen smiled. It showed the dimples in her cheek and lit up her eyes. Made her come alive for a second. "Because if you managed to deceive Voldemort for so long, you must be the best Legimens there is. And because i think you will spare me the empty platitudes everybody else throws at me. 'Time is the best healer' and other such nonsense. I know they don't understand because they didn't experience what i did and i envy them because of that!"  
He nodded slowly. Maybe it was true that Ravenclaw was for the wise because the girl in front of him certainly was. More than he'd ever been. He recognized the truth in her words and knew that the decision had been made.   
"I will help you," he said. "But not without informing the headmistress. What we will attempt is not without danger."  
At first, she seemed about to protest, but then she thought better of it. "Ok."  
"Good! You should talk to Professor McGonagall first thing in the morning."  
"I will! Thank you, Professor!"  
He held out his hand. "Don't thank me yet. It will most likely be an extremely unpleasant experience and whatever lost memory we will find; it will be painful to face. You should find someone you can trust, someone who will take care of you after the procedure."  
Her face fell. "Since the attack, I find I can't trust anyone, Sir. Not really. I want to but i can't."  
Something about her words unnerved him. "Your family? Friends from at home?" Even to his ears his suggestions sounded lame. "Madame Pomfrey will take care of you then. She tends to fuss, but she is competent and very discreet. I owe her my life a few times," he said as casually as he could, not wanting to reveal how much this whole conversation was really bothering him.  
"Now go back to your common room. Should your Prefect ask where you've been, tell him I kept you."  
Ceridwen got up. "Thank you, Sir. Good night."  
He watched her go and rubbed the bridge of his nose. What in the name of Merlin and all the knights of the round table had he gotten himself into now?


	5. Decisions and morning coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus informs McGonagal of his decision, arangements are made and Ljot is being friendly.

Severus waited by the Griffin leading up to McGonagall‘s office. It was still early, and the castle was slowly waking up. Outside, darkness still reigned but inside Hogwarts, light and warmth was everywhere. He did not have to wait long before Miss Wystan showed up.   
„Professor! I didn‘t expect you here!“  
„Good morning, Miss Wystan,“ Severus replied dryly. „I figured the Headmistress would require some proper convincing, and as I am to do the job, who else should speak up on your behalf?“  
Without waiting for a reply, he turned and led the way, muttering the password to the stone griffin. He had sent Minerva a brief note, so she was prepared for their visit and awaited them, looking as stern as ever, seated behind her desk.   
„Miss Wystan, Severus,“ she greeted them. „Please sit down and tell me what you wish to talk to me so urgently about.“  
When the girl did not speak up, Severus said: „ Miss Wystan has a request to make. I already promised her my help, but I felt it prudent to inform you, Headmistress. Would you be so kind to elaborate, Miss Wystan?“  
Ceridwen nodded. „Yes. Professor Snape is right, Ma’am.“ She basically repeated what she had told Severus the night before. Minerva listened attentively.   
When Ceridwen had ended, McGonagall pursed her lips. „That is a profoundly serious request to make, Miss Wystan. Have you considered the impact the recovered memory might have on you?“  
The girl nodded. „Yes, but I feel it would be better to know the truth than to live with this uncertainty. Besides, I might even remember who did this to me!“  
McGonagall took a deep breath and fixed first Miss Wystan, then Severus with a fierce stare.   
„If you are confident that you will be able to help, then do so, Severus. But I must insist that the procedure will be conducted under Madame Pomfrey‘s supervision.“  
Severus nodded. „Agreed.“  
Ceridwen looked relieved. „Thank you, Professor. I understand that my request is highly irregular.“  
McGonagall snorted. „Your request is the least of my concerns, Miss Wystan. The fact that it is necessary to shed some light on this horrible attack is what bothers me. Something like that has not happened in Hogwarts since the Dark Ages! To think that some of your fellow students are capable of such despicable acts is beyond comprehension. I will keep this confidential, so only me, Professor Snape and Madame Pomfrey will be informed. Do you have a suggestion when best to go ahead with this, Severus?“  
„Yes. I think it would be best not to put it off for too long. The mind has a strange capability to edit memories when left to its own devices for too long. Might I suggest Friday afternoon? Then Miss Wystan has time over the weekend to come to terms with whatever memory we uncover.“  
„Very well,“ McGonagall nodded. „Then it is agreed. Miss Wystan, you will come to the Hospital Wing Friday afternoon. I will talk to Madame Pomfrey and will let you know the exact time later today. You may go now.“  
The girl nodded, muttered another ‚thank you‘ and got up. Severus followed suit. McGonagall stopped him with a: „Severus, a word, please.“  
He remained standing and waiting until Ceridwen had closed the door behind her. He met McGonagall‘s gaze, his face neutral.  
Minerva sighed. „Are you certain this is a good idea?“  
„It is the best solution to this particular problem. She has a right to know what happened to her. Unpleasant as it surely will be the truth is to be preferred over uncertainty and conjecture.“  
„This is not what I meant, Severus.“ McGonagall peered up at him over the rim of her glasses. „My concern is for you.“  
„For me?“ Severus did not bother to hide his surprise. „I assure you; I am more than capable...“  
Minerva waved her hand through the air to silence him. „Yes, yes. I know you are. You are most likely the best Legimens in all of Great Britain. What I meant is, I am concerned that this... experience might affect you.“  
Severus stared at the headmistress, lost for words for once. „I...,“ he began. Thoughts were running through his mind, too fast to hang on to any one of them. He blinked. „That is a risk I am willing to take,“ he admitted in a quiet voice.   
Minerva nodded gravely. „I thought you were going to say something like that. While I am grateful that you are willing to help Miss Wystan, I must caution you, Severus. Not as headmistress but as your friend. Be careful. You have already taken too many risks. You don‘t let it show but my guess is that they have taken a great toll on you already.“  
Severus opened his mouth to protest, to silence Minerva‘s concern with a sharp remark but somehow he could not muster the strength to achieve his usual level of anger and venom. He felt tired. No, not just tired but exhausted and empty inside. Most of his adult life had revolved around spying on the Dark Lord, around plans and schemes and tricky manoeuvres. Working against impossible odds. Playing Russian roulette, hiding behind masks. Trying his best to keep Potter alive. Now, with Voldemort gone for good and Potter alive and well, he just did not know what his role was any more. Or who he was behind all his masks.   
He bowed his head and muttered: „I will attempt to be careful. Now, please excuse me. I have classes to attend to.“

\-----

Severus found he was walking as fast as he could without giving up his dignity by breaking into a run to get away from Minerva‘s office. What a way to start the day! He considered going to the great hall to have breakfast but the thought of food, of the noise and the idiotic small talk his colleagues insisted to indulge in, made him feel queasy. Air, he needed some fresh air.  
He left the castle and walked to the Great Lake, to a small cove from which he would not be able to see Dumbledore‘s grave. The sight of the white marble glistening in the pale sunshine would have been more than he was able to stand.   
He walked across the stretch of sandy beach, the sand and gravel crunching underneath his shoes. He stopped barely a yard away from the shoreline, where the waves were lapping against the rocks and the sand. Taking a few deep breaths, he gazed out across the water. It was a fine morning, fresh but with the promise of sunshine and warmth. A perfect Indian Summer day. He closed his eyes and focused on his breath. In and out. In and out. Slow and easy. The sun warmed his face, and the wind ruffled his hair. It was pleasant and yet his mind refused to settle down.   
Severus stood like this for a while, lost in the moment. Then the sound of approaching footsteps caught his attention. They stopped right next to him, maybe an arm’s length apart.   
„That‘s a beautiful spot,“ a voice said after a moment of silence. Ljot‘s voice.  
„It is indeed,“ he said and opened his eyes. Ljot smiled at him and held out a cup.   
„It‘s for you, Severus,“ she explained. „Coffee. Strong and black, correct? I snug it out of the kitchen before the House Elves send it up to the Great Hall.“  
He accepted the cup and allowed his hands to curl around it to absorb the warmth.  
„Thank you.“  
Another quick smile. „You‘re welcome. Was that Ceridwen Wystan you took to see the Headmistress?“  
„Yes,“ he said. „Why?“  
„Oh, I‘m worried about her. I found her crying sitting in an empty classroom the other day. She... she told me that she‘s having nightmares almost every night and that she is afraid to close her eyes because she is always back at the moment she was about to be attacked when she does. She was really desperate.“  
„She is not in trouble, if you were worried about that,“ Severus said. „She asked my help and I granted it and we informed the Headmistress this morning.“  
„Ah!“ Ljot beamed. „So, she listened to my advice. Good girl!“  
Severus frowned. „What in Merlin‘s name do you mean?“  
She laughed softly. „Well, I suggested asking you. She was reluctant at first. Seems you have quite the reputation among the pupils.“  
He snorted. „Oh, yes. Because I refuse to pamper them and insist on maintaining high standards in my teaching!“  
Ljot had the nerve to giggle. „Whatever you‘re saying. Come now, let‘s head back. Classes will begin in a bit.“  
He watched her walk away and sipped his coffee. It was still hot. Heating charm, no doubt. Shaking his head, he caught up with her with a few long strides. „Why did you tell her to go to me for help? You don‘t know me.“  
She shot him a sideways glance. „You‘re right, I don‘t know you. Yet. But I am rather good at judging people.“  
„And how do you find me, Your Honour?“  
His sarcasm didn‘t seem to bother her and she smiled. „Guilty of being kinder than you want us to know. I really must run now. See you!“  
She ran up the stairs to the entrance, taking two steps at a time. He blinked, feeling irritated. The nerve of her to talk to him like that. And why wasn‘t he angry?

**Author's Note:**

> This story is slightly AU, as Severus Snape has survived Nagini's attack. When he returns to Hogwarts, he is struggling with pysical and mental health issues and tries to pick up the pieces of his life.


End file.
